Finally Ready To Be Here
by Mac-alicious
Summary: "It's been a long day and all I've got to say is I've been wrong." / / or, Kirsten has always had a problem with not thinking before she speaks and she wants to be better about that. / / Camsten. Post Summer Finale. Oneshot.


**A/N:** so this is my first full on, totally and completely, Camsten one shot. It's another "continuation" of where the summer season ended and one take on where the show can go from there. It was inspired by the opening lyric from a Rosi Golan song and some of the other lyrics from the song (though not the song as a whole), because it kind of touches on Kirsten's lack of filter and how that might affect her and Cameron after what happened in the finale. Kirsten is so hard to write (which might be why I've been using Camille as a POV character so much, she's easier to slip into), so I would love to hear what you think of this. Enjoy! R&R! Thanks! ~Mac

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Stitchers, or the Rosi Golan song, "Been A Long Day," that the italicized lyrics come from.

 **Finally Ready To Be Here**

" _It's been a long day and all I've got to say is I've been wrong"_

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Kirsten has always had a problem with not thinking before she speaks. Part of not feeling emotions is not feeling shame or guilt. Without those, it's difficult to curb herself. Unable to understand her own feelings, it's nearly impossible to understand how to spare the feelings of others. She says the first thing that comes to mind, motivated by stress or frustration, and it's not until afterward that she realizes that she maybe used the wrong choice of words or maybe she should have kept it to herself—that is, if she realizes it at all. She knows this about herself, but it's never stopped her from letting it happen, again and again and again…. She's just never had a reason to want to change her ways.

Things have finally settled in the aftermath of Cameron's death and ultimate revival and Kirsten thinks maybe everything can go back to normal now—even if nothing feels the same. After they were finally able to shock Cameron back to life, the Stitchers program effectively shut down to accommodate his recovery. This was met by all kinds of resistance by their superiors, but there was only so much they could do when Kirsten refused to stitch until she was certain that Cameron was going to make a full recovery. Kirsten had shrugged when Maggie made vague allusions to what could happen if the higher ups didn't like her answer.

She narrowed her eyes and stood her ground, "If they want me back in the tank before Cameron is better, they'll just have to kill me."

Camille had chimed in that she would not take the helm again without further training from Cameron, lest anyone get the idea that he was replaceable. As an extra thought, Linus had raised his hand to announce that he would also not work without Cameron, making sure to add on under his breath that he knew that him going on strike probably wouldn't have any impact, but that he'd do it anyway.

"You might be able to replace them, but try replacing me," Kirsten continued, causing Camille to roll her eyes, but it had worked.

They were all offered significant vacation time while Cameron recouped, and they had spent it helping him do so. Kirsten had said not a word about her stitch into Cameron, but she had thrown herself into taking care of him about twenty times as much as the rest of them. She was the one who was at his hospital bedside everyday, the one who was there when he was finally discharged, and the one who kept him company while he was on strict bed rest at home. She was the one who interrogated his doctor with the intensity she usually reserved for murder suspects before he signed Cameron off to return to work. She was also the one who insisted that he take another week off after he was cleared, just in case.

But now his is back, with his nicknames and his ridiculous nerdy quotes, they have a case and things can go back to how they were before. The problem is that they can act as normal as they want, but the secrets, that they had promised they wouldn't keep from each other, populate the air between them, charging it with tense energy that threatens to suffocate them at any given moment. Kirsten knows that they all feel it, or at least sense that something is off, but no one says anything about it. And neither does she. And neither does Cameron.

It's an average stitch, pretty straight forward. There are holes they need to fill in, but that's par for the course. It's so uneventful—there's not even anything that's as emotionally charged as she's used to—that she can't help but wonder if it's by design; if it's meant to ease them back in without raising stress levels even higher than where they've plateaued. Kirsten's not complaining, she can see the benefits of it, for herself, and for Cameron especially. She gets everything she needs from the sample in the first stitch to get started.

There are several clues pointing Kirsten in one direction, but nothing that will provide the proper authorities with tangible proof. Luckily, she saw something that can lead her to that proof, so she announces her intentions to go into the field. She thinks she can get away with going on her own, because, as far as she could tell, there are n direct connections to the murder where she means to go. It is an entirely safe recon mission and, just in case it's not, she doesn't want Cameron to tag along. It's not because she doesn't think he's capable, or strong enough to handle himself. The doctors, and Ayo, insist that he is back to perfect health and she believes them—she just wants him to stay that way. He has proven time and again that he'll step in front of a bullet for her, push her out of the way of a speeding car, or kill himself to earn her trust. It's all very noble, but she can't see him hurt again. And the odds that she will eventually have to are not in her favor, especially since the only apology Cameron has issued about his actions was that he was sorry they weren't able to get the information they needed, not about what he put them through, and he seems to think that's enough. Kirsten should be over it given her condition, but she's not. Until she is, she means to leave him behind; like always, he has no plans to be kept away.

"I'll go with you," Cameron says as soon as Kirsten grabs her things to go.

"No," Kirsten shakes her head. "I'm going by myself."

"But I always go with you," Cameron says, frowning at her. "Haven't we outgrown this fight we have every time we go into the field? You say you're going alone, I go anyway, and we do what we have to in order to solve the case together. Can't we skip this part and get straight to it?"

"This is different," Kirsten says. "It's nothing, _easy_. Don't bother yourself."

Cameron's frown deepens. "A lot of the things we've walked into looked like they were nothing, but got real ugly real quick. We're not in a business with many guarantees. Anything could happen. We still haven't gotten to the bottom of who tried to have Fisher killed and if he was the only target—"

"This has nothing to do with that."

"You don't know that."

"It's statistically improbable."

"But not entirely impossible."

"Nothing is going to happen, related or unrelated to Fisher. So, I'll be fine on my own," Kirsten can feel her muscles seizing up as they continue their bickering. Cameron's concern is misplaced. It usually is, but this time is beyond ever before.

"Okay, Stretch, tell me the truth," Cameron says. "Does this have anything to do with the stitch?"

Kirsten thinks she's caught until she realizes he's talking about the most recent stitch, the one she just did. He has to be, because everyone has come to some sort of unspoken understanding to not mention the other stitch. Ignoring it is almost good enough to make it like it never happened, but almost good enough isn't always enough.

Kirsten shakes her head, "No."

"I know the sample was something of a loner. Are you sure this isn't something residual? Paranoia, fear, distrust, something that kept him from seeking connection? Something that would make you like this right now?" Cameron continues, even more creases forming in his forehead. "If that's the case, I really need to be with you, in case you start to exhibit any other symptoms—"

"It's not residual."

"Maybe you can't tell. We should take precautions anyway—"

It's all too much for Kirsten. She can sense her frustration building, but now that it's there she can't tell how long it's been there, only that it exists and she wants it to go away. She's frustrated because Cameron is being overly cautious with her when it should be the other way around. He's looking at her the way he is and talking to her in that tone and she wants it to stop. He's acting like _she's_ the one who stuck a needle in her arm and took her last breath in _his_ arms. She can't stand it. And she has no way to filter the words that come out of her mouth next.

"I don't need you to go. I don't need your help," Kirsten snaps. "I'll call Fisher."

The expression on Cameron's face shifts, but she likes this one even less than the look of concern. He nods curtly a couple times, turns on his heal, and leaves the Lab without a word. And she knows that she's made a mistake right away.

Deciphering emotions is still troublesome for her, even if she is learning, but deciphering Cameron's emotions is easy. Kirsten has been in his head. She knows how he reacts to the things she says. She knows what her unintentional rejection feels like to him. She should have known that he would hear those words as, "I don't need _you_. I never have, because you're a nobody. You mean nothing to me and never will." It doesn't matter that she didn't mean it that way. Her words triggered his deepest fears about her, which aren't just that he won't be able to protect her. He fears that he'll never mean anything to her either way, not because she can't feel that way for anyone, but because even if she could she'll never feel that way about him specifically. If she could have stopped to think, if she knew how to take her time, she would have realized it before she let them out of her mouth. Instead, she hurt him and she can't take it back.

Kirsten doesn't know how long she stands in the middle of the Lab after Cameron leaves, trying to figure out what to do, but it's long enough that Camille has come over. Her roommate had been spying on the fight with Cameron, so she knows Camille heard it all. She usually relies on Cameron to tell her what she should do in situations like this, where emotion is involved, but since he's not there, Kirsten actually hopes that Camille is about to offer her some unsolicited advice.

"Hi," Camille draws out the word and awkwardly smiles.

Kirsten just blinks at her.

"Here's an idea," Camille says. "Why don't you give me the address so Linus and I can do the recon? Because it seems to me that you have something more important to do."

It's not exactly advice. It is a thinly veiled suggestion, but it points Kirsten in the right direction. She lets Camille and Linus handle the field work, with the promise that they'll have Fisher on speed dial in case something goes awry. Then she goes to find Cameron. She figures that he went home, that he's probably talking himself in and out of being upset with her and considering going to the recon address to show her that he's always going to be there like he usually does. She hopes she can get to his apartment before he goes looking for her where he'll only find Camille and Linus. His car is still there when she arrives, so she hasn't missed him. Now there's just a fifty-fifty chance toss up on whether he'll still be mad at her or if he'll have convinced himself to forgive her. While she doesn't want him to be angry with her, it might be better for him if he is, because it'll force them to talk about why this is affecting them the way it is. If he's forgiven her already, they can go back to pretending it never happened and that everything is okay, that everything is normal.

Kirsten takes a few breaths before she knocks on his door a few times. He doesn't answer that time, so he probably knows it's her and he's probably still angry. She knocks again, more instantly this time, and still he doesn't come to the door. So, she lets herself in and quietly closes the door behind her. He's not in the kitchen or living areas. His bedroom door is ajar, so she concludes that he's in there. She takes one last deep breath before she goes inside. Cameron is lying on his bed, fully clothed atop the covers, and he looks unsurprised that she's there, though he acts like he is.

"How did you get in?" Cameron asks.

"I used my key," Kirsten replies, lingering just inside the doorway.

"I never gave you a key," Cameron says.

"I made a copy when you got out of the hospital," Kirsten says. "I thought it would be easier to get in and out when you weren't supposed to leave your bed."

"I had a spare I could have given you," Cameron says, his tone flat and his words clipped. "You just had to ask.

This conversation is going nowhere. In fact, it only seems to be making Cameron more upset with her. So, instead of responding and dragging out an unnecessary argument over nothing, Kirsten crawls onto the bed and wraps herself around Cameron's side. She drops her head to his chest and drapes her arm over his stomach, hugging him to her. His whole body stiffens at her contact, but she ignores his surprise. She nuzzles her head so that it shifts to rest in the crook of his neck and she curls her fingers into the fabric of his shirt. It takes him a moment, but he relaxes into her embrace and lets his arm fall around her shoulders, so he could hold her against him. He lets out a long breath that he must have been holding.

"What's this for, Cupcake?" Cameron asks in a near whisper. She feels the words in puffs against the top of her head.

"I'm sorry," Kirsten says into his neck. She breathes him in and closes her eyes. If there was ever a time that she doesn't hate her condition, it's right now, because she wants to believe that she could live in this moment forever.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked out. Nothing you said was—"

Kirsten shakes her head and lifts up so she can look him in the eyes. His arm is forced to drop down to her lower back, but they stay wrapped up. "Stop it. Don't apologize. Don't let me off the hook. Be upset with me, because what I said was hurtful."

"But you didn't mean it like—"

"No, I didn't mean it like it sounded, but that doesn't change that I hurt you with what I said," Kirsten says. "And I need you to not hide from me when I do that. Because I'm going to hurt you Cameron, and I might not mean to, but it's going to happen. I can't help that, because I don't know how to stop myself from doing it. I don't know how to resist impulses, because most of the time I can't tell how long I've taken to think them through, it all feels the same to me, but if there was ever anyone who I would want to change for it'ss you. And the only way I'm going to learn is if you tell me when I'm wrong, so I can fix it."

Cameron stays silent, so Kirsten continues, accusing herself where he will not.

"It's been a tough day, and I've been wrong," Kirsten says. "And I know what the things I said did to you and I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology," Cameron says. "On the condition that you let me take responsibility for my part in it. You wanted to go alone, I was being overprotective, and I shouldn't have pushed you. You only said what you said to get me off your back."

"I didn't want to go alone, Cameron," Kirsten says.

"But you said—"

"It was your first day back," Kirsten says, looking him straight in the eyes, hoping to convey her point with only that.

"Oh," Cameron's face wrinkles with concern as it had in the Lab. "Princess, I'm fine. I'm perfect, okay? I can handle a little fieldwork without my heart giving out."

His words make her stomach clench. His heart troubles getting the better of him is not what she was afraid of, but it is now. That's just another thing on her list of concerns. She doesn't know how Cameron can stand worrying about her so much, because her worry for him is nearly killing her. She takes that back, she does know how he stands it; she knows exactly what makes him think that all that worry is worth the added stress.

"This isn't about your heart," Kirsten slides her hand up his chest to rest over his heart, where she can feel it beat beneath her fingertips. He shivers at the unintentional caress and draws in a sharp intake of breath. Kirsten pretends she didn't notice. "I have faith in in."

"Then what is this about?" Cameron asks. The hand that isn't resting somewhere near her hip, reaches up to lay over the hand she has lying on his heart.

"I like that you care about me enough to want to protect me all the time," Kirsten says. "I don't like the lengths you'll go to in order to do that."

Cameron swallows hard, his chest heaving with the effort of it. "This is about... _that_."

Kirsten nods slowly. "I think it's about time we talked about it."

"Who are you to gauge time?" Cameron jokes, trying to deflect.

"Cameron—"

"Seriously, Stretch, we don't need to do this."

"Cameron—"

"I don't need to know—"

"I saw everything," Kirsten cuts him off, not just by interrupting. Her words leave him speechless. She continues now that she has no distraction. "I told you that I didn't see anything useful to the case, which is true, but what I saw was so much more than a license plate number."

"Kirsten—"

She studies his face with her head tilted just so. "You're scared of what I'm going to say. Don't be."

"You can tell me how to stop then, huh?" Cameron's voice is strained.

Kirsten moves her hand again, from his chest to his neck, to cup his cheek and slide her thumb along his jawline. "You have nothing to be worried about."

"I _always_ have something to be worried about when it comes to you," Cameron corrects.

"Not when it comes to this," Kirsten says. "Stitching into you was enlightening. It made everything make sense. All the little things that I didn't understand about you—the intricacies of your expressions, the way you acted, the things you said, the way you said them—because I had nothing to judge it against. But during the stitch, I saw how I've been layered over every part of your life. I don't know if I saw myself everywhere because I take up so much space in you, or if it was you guiding me to that truth. It gave me an understanding of a whole spectrum of feelings: attachment, regret, jealousy, hope. And how they all lead back to one all encompassing emotion. I didn't know before, but I know now. If I could go back and stop you from what you did, I would, but I won't regret what happened in the stitch, because it gave me clarity."

The look on Cameron's face now is a mixture of fear, embarrassment and something else, that same all encompassing thing she now recognized on him. She lets her fingers stroke his cheek and along his jaw again. He lets out a shuddering breath and leans into her touch. She can imagine what she's making him feel and she knows if she doesn't say something else, he's going to overthink this.

"You're in love with me, Cameron," Kirsten says. She keeps her eyes on his. "You liked me from the first minute you met me and you fell much faster than even you knew you should have. It's why you try so hard to take care of me, it's why everything with Liam was painful for you, and it's why you never cease to believe in me. I should have seen it before, but no one's ever looked at me the way you do. I didn't know what I was looking for."

"Not even Liam?" Cameron asks.

"Especially not Liam," Kirsten says. "I can't tell a second from an hour, but you can, and he can. You call me to check on me when you know there are minutes between then and when you'll see me again, because even that is too long to go without hearing my voice. Liam was perfectly fine with going _years_ without seeing me because he knew I wouldn't miss him."

"I wouldn't give you a chance to miss me," Cameron says and it's the first thing he's said to confirm what she said about his feelings. It makes Kirsten smile.

"I know that," Kirsten says. She keeps to herself the pang of pain in her chest as she thinks about how he almost left her entirely.

"You probably know more about what's going on in my head than I do," Cameron says, he starts to laugh, but it trails off as the truth in the joke asserts itself.

"I know I should have told you what I saw in the stitch as soon as you woke up, but I was still working out what your feelings mean to me," Kirsten says.

Cameron's arm tightens around her waist, and his fingers curve around her hips. "And what have you come up with?"

Kirsten watches as the fear drains out of his face, replaced by this brilliant hope. There are hundreds of words that she could and should say, but they don't feel like enough for this moment. She'll get to them later, because there's something else she needs to do. She slides her hand to the back of his neck and leans down to kiss him.

She can remember their first kiss now, but only through Cameron's eyes. It's nice to have that memory back, but this kiss means so much more to her, because this time she gets to be a part of it. She gets to feel the way his lips fit with hers. How he's tentative at first, uncertain, like he's afraid that she's going to change her mind in the middle of it, but then he grows more confident. His lips meld with hers, countering ever little motion she makes with his own. She can feel the way his hands play over her. How he reaches up to run his fingers through her hair, careful not to pull. How when his arm around her back shifts, in a way that makes her shirt ride up and puts him in contact with her skin, he almost jerks away. She can almost taste the apology on his lips and she has to yank him closer with her own hands to keep him from getting away, because the feel of his fingers dancing across her bare skin has renewed her efforts.

Kirsten has encountered lust before, felt it herself, and glimpsed how it affected Cameron when it was inspired by her, but it has never felt like this, this warm pull at her stomach, that is seeping out into every inch of her. She knows it's because it's more than a physical instinct. There's more to this feeling, on both sides. There's also the fact that Cameron is insanely good at this. He didn't have a chance to show any of his skill during their first unexpected kiss, but this time he puts everything into it. He plays off of her every reaction, learning what she likes and giving it to her, but still drawing her out and taking what he likes too. He likes her fingers twisted into his hair, making a small sound at the base of his throat when she tugs slightly, but he keeps his fingers delicate as they smooth through her hair, because she's not into the same thing. She likes the way he uses his teeth to nibble at her lip and how his tongue follows after to soothe the sting. Her head is spinning before she realizes that they've probably been wrapped up together for so long that she needs to breathe. So, she breaks away, her chest heaving with panting breaths as she lets herself calm down.

"Are you sure this isn't residual?" Cameron asks. She can't blame him for wanting to check after what happened the first time, but she might have expected him to lead with something else.

"I don't think the guy _ever_ felt the way I feel about you, so I'm going to say that I am one hundred percent sure that this is not residual," Kirsten humors him.

"If you were going to put it into words, how exactly do you feel about me?" Cameron watches her with his eyes and continues to trace shapes into the skin of her lower back with his fingertips.

"I love you," Kirsten says simply, finally able to be completely honest with him.

Cameron grins in that ridiculously uninhibited way that he has about him and Kirsten can feel his happiness radiating off of him. She can feel it building inside of her.

"I asked you once if this was what love was and I know now that you had an answer that you didn't tell me. You wanted me to figure it out for myself. You told me to tell you if it was worth it, and I have an answer for you now," Kirsten says.

Cameron nods to encourage her to go on.

"I think it is, as long as the connection you have with the other person is stronger than the heartbreak. And when it comes to us we have that. I've been hurting you since the day we met and you hurt me more in one day than I ever want to feel again. But you're still here and I'm still here. _We're still here_. We can still have this. We still want more," Kirsten says. "I think it could be worth it."

"I _know_ it'll be worth it, it already is," Cameron says.

Kirsten nods a few times, brushes her nose against his and kisses him again. This time she pulls back sooner. She rests her forehead against his. "I never believed that anyone could feel something like this. Even before the stitch, I knew there was something there in the way you looked at me, but I never would have guessed it was this, because, the way people describe it, I always thought it would be impossible for you to carry. It had to be, because a feeling that large would kill a person."

"Well, it kinda did," Cameron says.

"Don't joke about that," Kirsten says, her eyes widening. "Don't _ever_ joke about that."

"Okay," Cameron hugs her tighter.

"I didn't know this was possible, before you. I didn't know how to handle everything that came with it. I was afraid," Kirsten says. "It's why I kept it from you for so long. I didn't want to explain why I was afraid, for you and for myself. That's why I snapped at you to keep your distance."

"I understand, Stretch," Cameron says. "I'm scared too, but I love you and I'm not going anywhere no matter what you say. For you, I face those fears everyday."

"I know what it feels like for you to watch me put myself in danger everyday, and after what you did, I wasn't sure if I could handle having to see you in harm's way too," Kirsten says. "Do you understand?"

"Yes," Cameron nods.

"Until now, I didn't know, but now that I do, I don't want to go back to a time when I didn't know what it felt like to have you. So, I'll take whatever comes with it, because I don't want this moment to end," Kirsten says. "It took me awhile, but I'm finally ready to be here."

"It's about time," Cameron smiles.

Kirsten smiles back. "I'll have to take your word for it."

There's more to discuss, things that need to be said, by the both of them. There's also the matter that they're both supposed to be working right now. But all that will have to wait, because Kirsten has finally found her way here to Cameron's arms and he has waited long enough to welcome her into them. After all that time and all the trouble they've been through, they are content to linger here in this moment for as long as possible and maybe even a little longer after that.

.

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" _It's been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here."_


End file.
